If you have read my previous post, you know that I work at a major Canadian university, more precisely, in the Bookstore. Now anyone who has done any kind of stint working in retail probably won’t be surprised by what I am about to reveal – the dumb questions people ask. Due to a major shortage of space on campus, the textbooks are spread out over several locations. We have a main bookstore with year 4 texts and half of the year one textbooks. We have an auxiliary store with year 2 and 3 textbooks in it, and a temporary location for the remainder of the year one textbooks. All of the textbook locations are clearly marked on several signs throughout the store, across campus, on our website, on the phone message and on handouts given out by the cashiers.
Classes are just starting, but the following is a list of questions my co-workers and I have been asked (all very seriously, I might add) and the answers I would LOVE to give. Of course, since Ed MacMahon hasn’t come knocking on my door with that million dollar cheque with my name on it, I am somewhat dependent on my job, so I just smile sweetly, and answer their questions in a professional manner.
Q.“ Should I buy paper and pens along with my books?”
No, why would you need paper and pens? Obviously if you are stupid enough to ask that question, you’re going to fail the class anyway, so it won’t matter.
Not if you have a photographic memory you shouldn’t.
A. No, of course not! After spending thousands of dollars on your tuition and several hundred on your books, why would you waste another $5 or $10 bucks on paper and pens?
Q. “Do you sell books?”
A. What would make you ask a question like that? Does this look like a bookstore or something?
A. Nope, we’re fresh outta books.
A. Books are highly over rated, you know.
A. No, these things on the shelves are all fake. We pull them out and they reveal secret passageways to escape idiots like you.
Q. “What books do I need?” This one requires the staff person to begin the 20 Questions game with the customer. “What year are you in? What programme are you in?” etc. and then we work from there.
A. (After explaining two or three times where they have to go to buy their books, pointing out the various locations on a map and giving them a handout)…Forget it buddy, you can’t follow simple instructions, so you are obviously going to drop out of school, become a criminal and a strain on the country’s social system.
Q. Customer “Where are my books?”
Staff “For what year?”
Customer “This year.”
Do I REALLY need to comment further on this one?
Q. (After the customer discovers that we have a full service Post Office within the bookstore…) “Oh, this means you can mail my books to me”
A. Sure we can, because YOU’RE special and have an oh so busy schedule, unlike any of the other peons around here. Can we wipe your ass, too? Pretty please!
Q. Customer on the phone (after having to listen to a recording about which number to press for our hours) “Are you open?”
A. No. As a matter of fact, I don’t even work here. I was passing by outside when I heard the phone ringing, picked up a rock, broke the window and crawled inside so I could answer the phone and talk to YOU!
Q. (After looking at staff who are all wearing name tags and dressed in shirts with the university and bookstore name on them) “Do you work here?”
A. No. I just loved the shirt and have always wanted a name tag with an ugly picture of myself on it.
A. No. You can’t come in here unless you’re dressed like this though, so get lost!
A. No, but I have self esteem issues and I wanted to feel like I fit in.
A. Define “work”.
Q. Customer “What time are you open?”
A. Staff “8:30 till 9”
Q. Customer “In the morning?”
A. Yeah, you only have that 30 minute opportunity, so you’d better get in here quickly.
A. Yeah, that’s why it’s 2pm now and I’m here talking to an idiot like you.
I have noticed that I am quickly losing my patience and tolerance for idiocy. What’s even scarier though, is that they people somehow made it to university and the future of the world rests in their hands. We’re all in big trouble.
Ah yes, the joys of working in retail.
