I love this time of year, when I can get a workout merely from lifting the morning newspaper. How's that possible you say? Why, from all of those lovely catalogues and fliers that make the paper weigh double what it normally does. Gone are the days when the fliers were only found in Wednesday and Saturday newspapers, now they are in the newspaper every day. In case you don't notice them in the daily paper, or in case you don't read a daily newspaper, fear not, because those catalogues and fliers will find their way into your mailbox regardless.
Have you ever looked at some of these things and the items they promote as gifts? I mean, REALLY looked at them? Here's one flier for a chain drug store that will remain unnamed, but let's just call them SDM. Imagine excitedly ripping the wrapping off a box from under the tree only to find a needle threader. Not just any needle threader though, one that "threads with the push of a button." If you're not excited about a needle threader, how about an "L.E.D. Headlamp. A piercing beam of white light focused wherever the head is turned"? Piercing beams of light not on your Christmas list? Then what about "Assorted Reachers" or an "Ice - O - Grip" for your cane? All of these gifts can be purchased for "under $20" too - gee, what great bang for your buck! I'll tell you one thing, if my significant other gave me a needle threader or an Ice-o-grip for my cane (even if I used one), he would be the one seeing that piercing beam of light, and it wouldn't be from and LED Headlamp, it would be for real after I poked him with the needle threader and beat him with my cane (that Ice-o-grip would be put to good use after all).
Moving onto another store, which will also remain nameless, but they sell more than just tires. How would you like to "Excite and Delight with the right presentation" (at least that's what the smiling woman in the picture would have you believe)? A lovely "handy cheese plate and knife" will apparently result in that smiling face, as will cheese graters and potato peelers. Again, if my significant other gave me a potato peeler or a cheese plate and knife, he had better run, because I don't think I would be using that knife for cutting cheese. According to the same flier, you can "Excite and Delight the chef" (represented by yet another smiling woman's face) by giving her a toaster, but hey, it's a red toaster, so at least it's in a festive holiday colour. Note to all those significant others:
APPLIANCES, LARGE AND SMALL, ARE NOT APPROPRIATE CHRISTMAS GIFTS! In the same flier, a podemeter is suggested as a stocking stuffer. Sure, why not infer to your significant other that he/she needs to get off his/her fat ass and get walking?
Moving onto a third flier that was amongst the barrage of paper, this one from a store which shall, you got it, remain nameless, but supply a lot of those TLC home improvement shows. In fact, they might even have the word home in their name, but I won't say for sure. Under the "Gifts for Everyone" section, how about a Rubbermaid Storage Container? Again, it's got a festive coloured red lid, so what more could you ask for? Perhaps you'd rather have a "Husky Heavy Duty Nylon Pro Tool Bag" (it looks like a glorified sports bag if you ask me, but hey, what do I know?). Once again, if my significant other gave me either one of these things, it would be a pretty cold holiday.
Now before you all go and tell me that the true spirit of Christmas isn't the gift giving, it's spending time with your loved ones and helping others less fortunate than ourselves. Yeah, yeah, I know that. Just remember that when you unwrap that shovel your significant other bought you. (And if I were him/her, I'd be checking under the bed before I went to sleep at night.)
